Archive for December, 2013

Scarring and Signs

I happened across this passage today while I was wasting time. It says well what I’ve been thinking about scarring over the wound of grief.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~Anne Lamott

My scar is getting thicker. The sadness isn’t as close to the surface or as raw as it has been. The Christmas season is happier this year. Part of it might be that Hadley is so into the whole thing. And part of it might be that the blessing part of the life and love I used to have is starting to burn brighter than the loss of it. The loss is still there, believe me, and some days it will not be denied. What I’ve realized is that I need to embrace it when it comes. Accept that it’s there, welcome it into the room. Fall to the floor and cry my heart out, then get back up and keep going. There is no shame in sadness and grief. I sometimes feel uncomfortable letting people see that part of me, but it IS a part of me and it’s partially responsible for who I am now.

I started to think about scarring about a week ago. I don’t remember what started it. Maybe it was just introspection. But, as has happened many times over the past years, in the following days, I had a reminder that not feeling so sad doesn’t mean that I’m putting Jim or the memories away. As I drove through a random parking lot, I saw a person wearing a coat that looked like one he used to have, walking the same way he used to walk, wearing a similar hat, and with similar facial features. It was as if he was saying, “it’s okay to be happy…to continue to move forward. I am always going to be with you.”

I might not be ready to dance with the limp yet, but I’m walking a lot better.


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