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Archive for October, 2013

A few months ago, one of my friends brought up the thought that maybe it was time for me to stop wrapping myself in solitude. I hadn’t really seen that I was doing that; I was just going through my days, doing what I needed to do to keep life moving for Hadley and me. But she was right. Just like with my walls, wrapping myself in just the two of us is a grand way to protect everything. When it’s just us, there’s no vulnerability, no chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, everything else that happens in every relationship, whether friend, coworker, partner, etc. I once told someone that anytime another person is a part of the equation, suddenly the situation is unpredictable. You can’t control another person.  They have their own thoughts and opinions.  The only way to have things exactly how you want them is to never add a person to the equation.

Of course, who wants to go through life that way? Human interaction is what makes things interesting. Different ideas, people to share things with…friends are what help people get through the crap. They show up, whether you realize that you need them or not. So my resolve started to thaw. Not thawing so much to consider dating, but to at least be more open to making new friends. She’s pretty smart, this friend of mine.

And then the whatever it is happens. The unpredictable, the perceived slight. And suddenly being open doesn’t sound so grand. So the freeze comes back. Being alone isn’t so bad. The family I do have is all I need. Being a mom, going to work, managing to keep the plates up…that’s enough to deal with. Except it’s not really. It’s easier. It’s putting the wall back up. But it’s not good.

I don’t regret the past. All that has happened has made me who I am. Without Jim, there would be no Hadley. But I never imagined that I would have to deal with any of this. I don’t like it. I want to go back to happy.

 

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Walls

I am a master wall builder. I don’t really know when it started…probably high school. Isn’t that the time when all of our baggage really starts piling on? These walls are built to last, if I do say so myself.

I realize it’s a protection thing. It took Jim literally years before he was able to make even a chink in this sucker. Even when that part of the wall was down, though, not many people got to come in. I like to think that I’m open and friendly, but the truth is, the friendly part is only a portion of the real me. Over the last 5 years, I’ve rebuilt the section of the barrier that was down. There are very few who know much about me; I don’t think there’s anyone who knows everything about me. There used to be.

The crappy part is, it’s a little lonely inside a brick wall.

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