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Archive for April, 2013

Three Hours

In three hours it will be exactly five years. Nine hours ago five years ago was when it started. It was horrible. And surreal. And I can’t forget it. Nearly every single part of it. Jim started dying twelve hours before his body gave up. I really hope he stopped realizing it long before then.
A friend of mine sent us roses today. She wrote a lovely note and the roses were perfect. Hadley wanted me to read the card. I started to do it, not realizing what might happen. I got a few words in and thought, I’m not sure I can read this. But a deep breath and some additional resolve, and the tears were pushed back down where Hadley couldn’t see them.
I want to be alone but I don’t want to alone. I think I want to wallow in it a little this year. The proverbial sackcloth and ashes, you know. Just for a day. On April 7th, tomorrow, I will be out the other side for another year. All I have to do is keep walking.

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