Archive for February, 2013

Fragile Control

The entrance to the minefield this year sneaked up on me. My head must have known, but she was keeping it to herself…maybe hoping the rest of me wouldn’t notice. I’ve been cranky…and short tempered…and on edge. I chalked it up to needing a vacation as well as just knowing so many people who were going through things right now. And then on Friday, it hit me. At work, while I was crying in my office with the door closed, for someone whose daughter is probably not going to beat her cancer. Today marks the start of the chain of events from 2008. February 24, 2008 was Jim’s first day of his business trip…the trip when he just couldn’t shake his “cold” and was going to bed early every night.

And so it begins. I can recite the milestone dates. I can tell you what day of the week they were and nearly the exact thing I was doing at certain points in time. I’d like this version of photographic memory to go away, please. Where were you when I was taking placement exams at college? Why didn’t you show up until this point in my life? A photographic memory for only this particular 6 weeks of my life nets me nothing except sadness.

Sometimes I tell myself that I am doing this to myself. That maybe I don’t want to move through this. That maybe I am holding onto some of the grieving because I don’t know how to be or who I am without it. And then I tell myself that thinking that way is crazy. It’s blaming myself for grieving. Who is to say that this shouldn’t bother me anymore? Who says that someone should have “accepted it” by five years out? I’m a slow study…maybe for me, it will take ten years.

I’m sure my other external stress doesn’t help any, but I sure have wanted to scream at the world and kick some things lately. In six weeks, I’ll feel differently I’m sure. But tonight, I’d just like to curl up in a little ball and cry.

This grief stuff sure does stink.



Read Full Post »