Archive for April, 2012

I Tried

Through a total of three weeks, I tried to think positive.  I tried to believe that nothing this bad could possibly happen.  After Hadley and I were discharged from the maternity ward, I tried to believe that somehow, some of the things they were doing for Jim were actually helping. When we came home, I tried to pretend that I would be able to handle having him home and that hospice would become a normal part of our life.  From 3:30pm on April 5th through 3am on April 6th, I tried to pretend I was strong.  I tried to be a good mom.  I tried to take care of Hadley.  And I think I failed at nearly all of them then.

Things are different now.  I am stronger, although I wish I hadn’t had to be.  I am definitely more empathetic, which isn’t always a good thing for my soul.  The aching for others is a big burden to carry, made all the worse because there is often nothing I can do to help.  I think I’m a good mom.  And the emptiness has become a new normal.  I don’t like it but there’s no way to change it.  All we can do is deal with it.

The last thing I tried was to pretend that this April 6th would not be as difficult.  That after 4 years, I wouldn’t remember all of the details and it maybe wouldn’t hurt as much.  And once again, I was wrong.



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