Archive for May, 2011


We stood in the waves for hours today. We stood there and let them keep breaking around our knees. The ocean was a bit choppy today, so there were occasional breakers that were fairly strong. Hadley laughed and laughed as we stood there and she really loved it when one of them pushed us back. But as hard and fast as they came, we didn’t fall.
The waves can keep coming. I will keep watching as they roll in. And I will not fall.


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We Made It

On Tuesday, Hadley and I made it to North Carolina. Things have changed a bit since Jim’s and my last trip in 2006, but there are enough that are unchanged to bring back memories. At about an hour out from our destination, it was as if I was taking the trip in both time zones: The current one and the one in 2006. At the same time, though, it felt as if I was in the right place. I needed to do this. I am not sprinkling ashes on this trip…I’m not quite ready for that. But I needed to bring Hadley here. And I needed to see that I can do this. In this trip, I am taking a step toward getting through.

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Happy Mother’s Day

Handmade in the Jacob's Ladder Class

I’ll be honest, I was feeling a little sorry for myself on Friday with the approaching Mother’s Day.  There’s nobody to help Hadley make her homemade gifts for me.  I could help her but that kind of ruins the surprise. My first Mother’s Day was not that great.  A month out from losing Jim, probably still dealing with post-partum depression but who could separate that from grief?  My friends made such an effort that first year, with many of them sending me cards so my day wouldn’t be quite as jarringly empty.  So you’d think that the day would get better as the years pass.  I think this year may be bothering me because this is the time when Hadley could really make some lovely heartfelt things for me but again, there’s no one to help her.  No one to make breakfast for me while she helps.  Maybe saying I was feeling a bit sorry for myself is an understatement.  Bitter might be a better description.

Then I picked Hadley up at school on Friday and was presented with the gift shown above.  The teachers had helped the kids make shirts for the moms.  It’s the most beautiful shirt I’ve ever seen.  Not sure I’ll ever be able to wear it since it’s three sizes too big, but it will definitely be going in my keepsake box.

Today I treated myself to some new pajamas and a robe.  That’s probably what Jim would have gotten me anyway this year, as my other ones are about to fall apart.  Then when we came home, we were greeted by a lovely arrangement sent by my parents.  They are truly such a blessing.

My day was capped, though, when I picked up Hadley so we could go up to bed.  She hugged me tight and said, “I love you! You’re my best mommy forever!!”  Oh dear heart, you’re my best everything forever, too.

Flowers and gifts, what could be better?


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