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Archive for April, 2011

Marching

March for Babies!

 Hadley and I did our third March of Dimes walk today.  This year was much better than the last one.  It was a beautiful day for a walk and I definitely needed the exercise.  So on went our purple and off we went.

Purple, check!

 It is emotional to walk into the crowd and see shirts saying “In Memory Of” along with a picture of a baby.  I was fortunate with Hadley…she didn’t even really want to arrive when she was scheduled.  I think her plan was to be fashionably late.   I’m pretty sure she gets that from me.  Used to drive Jim crazy.  But I’m attached to this organization, perhaps because I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I was with that.  Or maybe it’s because now that I’m a mom, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to lose a baby.

Let's Roll!

 We almost had a meltdown when the balloon slipped off the string and flew away.  Hadley was heartbroken until I told her that she had just sent her balloon to Daddy and that it was so nice of her to share with him.  I told her he would catch it and be so very happy that she’d sent it to him.  During the walk, every time she saw a balloon flying away she’d say that Daddy was going to catch it.  She’s such a dear heart.  Jim would be over the moon about her, just like I am.

We Did It!!

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow will soon be here, no matter how much I’d like it not to be.  A marker of another year gone by.  As if I need a marker to remind me of it, to remind me how I feel…how it felt to have to watch my husband die.  At this point three years ago, I had been listening and watching him die for 7 and a half hours.  It would take another 4 and a half before his body finally gave up.  Three years ago and I can remember every thought.  How I wished that there were a way to release him; how much I wanted to believe that he really didn’t feel the pain that must have been there; how I wished it could really be like in the movies, where the spouse says thank you and goodbye, then cue music and he passes away quietly.  No having to listen to fluid fill his lungs, no having to see the pain in his eyes, no wondering if he even still realized I was there.

Today is the day between yesterday and tomorrow.  Three years ago yesterday, I had to admit that he was dying more quickly than anyone thought.  I look back on some messages I sent in the days right after we found out and in those, I mention that he’ll likely be gone before Hadley turned 1.  I could have never guessed it would be when she turned 2 weeks old.  Three years ago yesterday, I had to get Jim home, knowing he was going home to die because there was nothing more anyone could do.  I had to watch him in the hospital, three years ago yesterday, alternate between hallucinations and an insistence that he just wanted to go home.

Three years ago tomorrow, as a new mother, I said goodbye to my husband.  Family was there but part of me didn’t want them there.  With people there, I had to maintain some level of control because without it I felt even weaker. 

Three years ago tomorrow I had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. Because of the age difference between us, we were always pretty sure that I would be the one making arrangements for him.  Our expectation was that it would be in 15 or 20 years…not three years ago tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I don’t want to have to tell anyone how I feel.  I want to act as though it’s just April 6 and not the day that three years ago took away some of the music in my heart.

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