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Archive for January, 2011

The Trees

Sometimes I wonder if I’m keeping myself in this place.  Have I gotten to the edge of the forest, only to turn around and walk back in because I’m not ready to go out into the clearing? Maybe I need to walk into the middle and plop down on the ground and let the dark really seep in.  A friend of mine has said that for her, she has to hit the bottom before she can start coming back up. I haven’t let myself hit the bottom.  I haven’t let myself wallow.  I have moments, although fewer than I did in the past, but I never let the grief engulf me. Maybe I should.

It’s really hard to know how to navigate this.  And it’s really hard to know if I’m holding on to the loss because it’s something I know. After nearly three years, it’s not as difficult to say that Jim died.  He’s gone but I’m still holding on.  I haven’t scattered his ashes; I still wear my wedding ring; I still sleep on my side of the bed.  I feel like I want to make my way into the clearing but part of my thinks that if I really did want to get out into the sunlight, I would find a way to do it.

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Christmas 2010

We had a good Christmas. It was interesting to see how Hadley approached opening presents. She didn’t rip into everything as soon as she saw it. Instead, she opened one and played with it for awhile. Then we had breakfast. A leisurely breakfast. After we went back to the gifts, she opened them one at a time, playing with each one before moving on to the next. She was a bit let down when she realized that she had opened everything. She also was a bit put out when we next went to the mall where she’d seen Santa and he wasn’t there anymore. Christmas was much better this year as I got the chance to see it through her eyes.

A box of horses and a new baby doll. We're all set!

Hadley likes to put things into baskets. And into her new backpack.

Then she played outside with the guys for a bit, so she could wear her B-O-O-T-S, Boots!!  (There’s a song on one of our traveling CDs about boots.  So now she knows how to spell one word.) 

Let's go guys. Follow me!

One of the three always has to be watching out for her.  This time it was Sadie’s turn. 

Hadley and Sadie

After that, she wiped out.

Boris's turn to watch her.

I love this little girl of mine.

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Connections

We go through life looking for connections. Friends, partners, groups of like-minded people. While there are times that people want to be alone, there are also times when you just want to find someone like you. I think grief is like that. And even though there are many people who have lost someone, I’m still trying to find the right connection. We all share something that no one else can understand, yet we still feel very alone. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I only know that I can’t find it.

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