Archive for July, 2010


Married, single, divorced, or widowed.  It’s a check box on a form.  Widowed isn’t always one of the choices.  Sometimes it’s only married or single.  I’m not really either.  I filled out some insurance forms when I changed jobs and was informed that I was now classified as single for tax purposes.  That I legally became single as soon as Jim died.  But I’m not single.  I still wear my wedding ring, but I guess technically I’m not married because my husband isn’t here.  I’ve had to fill out the annual HIPPA paperwork a couple of times and at least it has the Widowed option, so it’s an easy choice. 

Today I was doing a last minute registration at a doctor’s office and when they asked if I was married, I hesitated and then said yes.  I didn’t want to have to say widowed and see the look of shock that sometimes people can’t hide.  I didn’t want to say single because I’m just not.  A few questions further and I was asked to confirm that his name is Jim.  I just kept hoping that there wouldn’t be a question about where does he work.  There wasn’t, but I’d decided I would just say he was retired.  Now that I think about it, he really literally would be considered retired, wouldn’t he?  I think part of what made me say married is because today is his birthday.  It didn’t feel right not to say I was married to him.

The card Jim got me for my last birthday before he died says that he should get my parents gifts on my birthday to thank them for having such a wonderful person.  He loved giving gifts, sometimes big, sometimes small, but always thoughtful.  I think back over the road we traveled to get to the last gift he gave me and there is sadness in the memory but the overwhelming emotions are joy and thankfulness.  We both wanted Hadley so very badly.  While my soul hurts with him gone, it heals a bit each day with her.

Thank you, my love, for giving me the gift of your love and for entrusting me with our daughter.  In my mind, I will forever check the Married box on the form.


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We’ve gotten to the point where Hadley and I have what could be called true dialog.  She has quite an imagination.  Her train of thought is sometimes a bit difficult to follow but it’s always extremely entertaining.  She also has some interesting words.  Here is a sampling of some of the more memorable recent words and exchanges.

rucky ducky: rubber ducky
flover: clover
pelly tuppin: belly button


Me: Why are you sucking your thumb?
H: Because I’m tired.


H: I don’t want to sleep, I want to talk.
M: Okay, what would you like to talk about?
H: What animals are at the zoo?


H: I can’t go to sleep. The sun is shining in my eyes!
M: I don’t see how it’s shining in your eyes. The sun went to bed a long time ago.


H: Mommy, let’s go see some cows.
M: Where can we go to see them?
H: At the farm.
M: Oh, okay.  What farm?
H: Old MacDonald’s.
M: Who lives there?
H: Grandfather and Grandmother.


H: Mommy, this pencil hurt me.  I need to go see the doctor.
M: I’ll call the doctor tomorrow to see if we can go see him.
H: Okay…I need to go see Sadie’s (our dog) doctor.


M: Did you have fun at Splash Day today?
H: No.  I didn’t like their water.  I only like my water.


M: Are you done going potty yet?
H: No, I’m reading.

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It feels as if everywhere I turn lately, I’m seeing Jim.  Not sure why…we’re not approaching any significant date and his birthday is still weeks away.  I see a vague resemblance to him in the man walking past me on the street; I see an even closer similarity in the man across the restaurant.  In a strange way, these continued sightings are slightly comforting. 

I’m not sure where I stand on the whole idea of continued communications after a person has passed on.   I want to believe it because it’s a nice thought that we can still have relationships with people who are gone.   Of course, there is a continuing relationship because the person is always in your heart, but if there’s really a way to communicate, then I wouldn’t have to have imaginary conversations.  So the rational side of me thinks that these run ins with Jim-like people are just random.  That in reality, I’m probably just looking for him and so am seeing him in other people.  That the particular song that meant a lot to both of us just happened to come up in rotation that day on the radio.  But the part of me that continues to hurt wants to think that this is his way of helping me.

There is one striking resemblance that is a constant.  Hadley looks like Jim.  He would have loved that.

The spitting image of Jim with red hair

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